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 tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)

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PostSubject: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Thu 23 Jul - 4:50

Garage Door


A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN.

HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS
OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP
HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY
UNDERSTOOD.

THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY. WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY JAGUAR PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "NO BOSS I DIDNT,, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES"



Sampung prutas:

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat. Dinala sila sa harap ng tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo.

Nagmakaawa yung mga hunters at naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: Sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, isa-isa kayong

mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas. dalhin nyo iyon dito

at sa isang kondisyon, kailangan saka ko sasabihin ang

sunod nyong gagawin.

Naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong magkakaibigan.

Unang dumating si Pedro, dala-dala'y 10 oranges.

Chief: Ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan sa

iyong puwet. Kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha

mo. Konting ngiwi o ngiti lang ay pupugutan ka agad

namin ng ulo.

Unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si Pedro. Agad siyang pinugutan ng ulo.



Sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y 10 lansones. Tuwang-tuwa siya ng in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.

Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit na

prutas ang kinolekta ko. naipasok ni Juan ang mga

lansones sa kanyang puwit ng walang problema. Ngunit

nung nasa pang-10 prutas na siya, bigla siyang napatawa.

Pugot-ulo agad ni Chief.

Pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan nakita niya si Pedro.

Nagkausap ang dalawa.

Pedro: Sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang

ginagawa mo yung utos. Isang lansones na lang hindi

mo pa tiniis! Buhay ka pa sana ngayon. Ano bang

nangyari sayo?

Juan: Pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones.

Kaso, nung matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng

Jose --- may dala-dalang 10 langka!
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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:23

spongebob..

PINOY DICTIONARY

Abuloy - bayad sa nahigop na kape at nanguyang biskwit
sa nilamayang sakla.
Akala - alam na alam daw ngunit hindi naman.
Aginaldo - inaasahan na makukuha sa araw ng Pasko na
mas okay sana kung pera na lang.

Bakasyon - sandaliang pahinga sa trabahong hingal lang
ang pahinga.
Bakit - tanong na laging mahirap masagot.
Bakya - tsinelas na may takong.
Baga - lutuan ng mga hindi makabili ng microwave.
Bagoong - masarap na ulam ng mga walang maiulam.
Baldado - hindi mamamatay-matay na mukhang hindi na
mabubuhay.
Bale - suweldong inutang.

Kaaway - ikli ng 'kaibigan na Inayawan.'
Kababata - dating gelpren na may ibang boypren.
Kabag - utot na naipon sa tiyan.
Kabayo - hayop na sinasakyan ng kalesa.
Kalbo - gupit ng buhok na korteng itlog.

Dalaginding - dalagang hindi pa nagsusuot ng bra.
Dilim - liwanag na maitim.

Gahasa - romansang walang ligawan.
Ginang - asawa ni ginoo na mukha nang tsimay.
Ginoo - inaasawa ni ginang na may inaasawang iba.
Gipit - kalagayan ng tao na suki na ng sanglaan.

Ha - sagot ng nagbibingi-bingihan.
Halakhak - tawang bukang-buka ang ngala-ngala.
Handaan - magdamagan na Palakihan ng tiyan.
Handog - bigay na laging may kapalit.
Hipo - haplos na may malisya.
Hudas - tapat na manloloko.

Ibon - hayop na lumalangoy sa hangin.
Imposible - pagtaas ng unano.
Insulto - walang hiyang biro.
Isda - hayop na hindi nalulunod.
Ita - negrong Pinoy.

La - ikli ng 'lalalalala' sa kinakantang hindi
maalala.
Lalawigan - syudad ng kahirapan.
Langaw - kulisap na bangung-bango sa amoy ng basura.

Ma - tawag sa gelpren na mukhang nanay na.

Malusog - hitsura ng tumatabang balat.
Mama - tawag sa sosyal na ina.
Mano - kaugaliang Pinoy na nakapupudpod ng noo.
Mantika - katas ng piniritong taba.
Maybahay - asawang utusan sa bahay.

Nakaw - pagkuha ng walang pasabing 'akin na lang ito.'
Naku - ikli ng 'ina ko, ina na ako.'
Nitso - bahay ng mga patay.
Nobya - gelpren na laking probinsya.
Ngalngal - iyak ng walang ipen.
Ngisi - tawang tulo-laway.
Ngiti - tawang labas ipen.

Paa - bahagi ng katawan na amoy lupa.
Paaralan - dito itinuturo kung ano, alin o sino ang
mapipiling bobo.
Panata - dasal na nakatataba ng tuhod.

Regla - masungit na panahon ng pagkababae.

Sabon - mabangong bagay na ipinapahid sa mabahong
katawan.
Sakristan - utusan ng pari.
Sampal - haplos na nakatitigas ng mukha.

Ta - ikli ng 'tita' o lalaking may bra.
Tamad - taong hindi napapagod sa pahinga
Tamana - Tamana sa pagbasa mo nito.









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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:25

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband
#2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.


Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband
#5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.


Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:35

>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Sisa?
>>A: Sisa Mistrit
>>
>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Cedie?
>>A: Cedie Player
>>
>>Q: Anong apleyido ni Beast?
>>A: Beast Kwit
>>
>>Q: Anong first name ni Nemo?
>>A: Sarah Geronemo
>>
>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Punisher?
>>A: Punisher Ranno
>>
>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Denzel?
>>A: Denzel Weta
>>
>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Curly?
>>A: Curly Gazpi
>>
>>Q: Ano last name ni Anchor?
>>A: Anchor Tis
>>
>>Q: Ano last name ni Jewel?
>>A: Jewel Torre
>>
>>
>>Q: Ano last name ni Kula?
>>A: Kula Desma
>>
>>Q: Ano surname ni Joseph?
>>A: Joseph Protgam
>>
>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Aiko?
>>A: Aiko Zada
>>
>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Christopher?
>>A: Christopher Minute
>>
>>Q: Anong apelyido ni Palito?
>>A: Palito Lippi
>>
>>Q: Anong first name ni Keno?
>>
>>A: Krisa Keno
>>
>>Q: Ano first name ni Janno?
>>A: Eduman Janno
>>
>>Q: Ano first name ni Squall?
>>A: Piolopa Squall
>>
>>Q: Ano first name ni Basilio?
>>A: Lacto Basilio
>>
>>Q: Ano first name ni Pikachu?
>>A: Cherrypie Pikachu
>>
>>Q: Ano first name ni Kenny G?
>>A: Johnep Kenny G
>>
>>Q: ano ang first name ni Volta?
>>A: Johntra Volta
>>
>>Q: Ano first name ni Diether?
>>A: Tirso Cruz Diether

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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:37

Ano tawag sa kanin sa courtroom? All Rice
Ano tawag sa kanin sa simbahan? Please Rice
Ano tawag sa kanin na mahal? High pRice
Ano tawag sa kanin na pag kinain ng Chinese, mangangati sila? Flied Lice
Ano tawag sa kanin na nasa pelikula? Extra Rice
Ano tawag sa kanin na sobrang init? Sun Rice
Ano tawag sa kanin noong unang panahon? Java Rice
Ano tawag sa kanin na nasa eroplano? Plane Rice

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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:39

SIR: Inday, c Sir mo 2..bangga kotse ko and i nid cash!
INDAY: Aru!!! dugo-dugo gang ka noh!
SIR: Gaga! c Sir mo talaga to!
INDAY: [OoOoOps]! c Sir ang tawag saken CUPCAKE!!!!


KUTO1: do u hear me over?
KUTO2: copy!
KUTO1: location?
KUTO2: sa bulbol ni ma'am..ikaw?
KUTO1: [OoOoOps]! magkatabi lng pala tayo. nand2 ko sa bigote ni sir!!!


Tatlong nagyayabngan na daga ...
Daga1: kakain ako ng keso na may rat-killer!
Daga2: ha!!! kakain ako ng keso sa mouse trap!!!
Daga3: tsk! tsk! tsk! manood kayo!!!! manrereyp ako ng pusa!!!



TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?
BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.
TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?
BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!
TEACHER: baket naman?
BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.



Dalawang cra ulo....
CRA1: Magaling ka na ba?
CRA2: Oo namn!!!
CRA1: Talaga?...kaya mo bng 2mawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?
CRA2: Ano ko cra? e pano kung patayin mo flashlyt mo?...e d nalaglag pa
ko!!!



2 Patients are taking sperm count.....
(d nurse masterbates P#1 but sucksP#2)
While the nurse is doing the blow.....
P#1: Ba't blowjob sa kanya e samantalang sakin handjob lang?
NURSE: CASH ito noh!.... sayo PHILHEALTH lang!!!


Dalawang magkaibigan nagtetext....
PEPE: Tol! pasa load namn! 2pesos lang, my katx lng me.
Tol: cge. w8 lng.
(message sent)
Pepe: Tnx tol! bait mo talaga!
Tol: [OoOoOps]! wag ka na magtex! sayang ung pinasa ko sayo!!!
Pepe: k.




GIRL: mag-69 tayo dear!!
BOY: pano un?
GIRL: ganito lang...
(pumuwesto na cla at biglang nautot ang girl ng 4 times)
BOY: Ayoko na!!! D KO NA KAYA UNG NATITIRA PANG 65!!!!


SON: dady...baket umuungol c mommy kagabi? my sakit ba cya?
DAD: wala anak... happy lng cya.
SON: ibig sabihin, gabi-gabi cyang hapi kahit nung nasa states ka pa?


YEAR 2005....
Prosti 1: sa sobrang hirap ng panahon ngaun,kahit 200 payag na ko.
Prosti 2: ako kahit 100..payag na!
Prosti 3: ako nga blowjob for free! may makain lng!!!



isang gabi...
WIFE: di ako makatulog dahil sa lamok. mag-SEX muna tayo!
HUSBAND: putragis! anong akala mo sa TITI ko?....katol!!!! matulog ka na!!!!



a man was cornered by a lion. he prayed..."Lord, pls make dis lion a
christian".
d lion suddenly knelt down and prayed....
LION: "bless this food that i'm about to receive thru Christ our LORD,
amen."



a priest lost a bird & asked during mass...
Priest: anyone got a bird?
all men stood up.
Priest: i mean, any1 seen a bird?
all women stood up.
Priest: i meant any1 seen my bird?
...all nuns stood up



ANAK: Dad! naka-experience na ko ng blowjob! yahoo!!!!
DAD: wow! anak!...binata ka na!!!anong feeling?
ANAK: ang sakit po sa panga!!!!



ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang taong nangrape sayo?
INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...
SUSPEK: cge!!!!...mangasar ka pa!!!!



dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre1: diyos ko! patawarin mo po cla...d nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.
Madre2: ay yung sakin marunong!!!!


After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa organ ng lalaki....
BF: Gusto mo pa ulit?
GIRL: hindi..namimiss ko lng.......meron kc ako nito dati e....



MRS: bilis dad! nahulog cel ko sa panty ko!!!! ..nagba-vibrate!!!
MR: e anong gagawin ko? kukunin ko sa panty mo?
MRS: [OoOoOps]!!!! kunin mo ung charger at baka malowbat!!!!


dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....
Ngongo: "nges hu?"....
MRS: [OoOoOps]!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!!!!



a wife and husband fighting....
Wife: inamo!!!
Husband: inamo rin!!!
Wife: tarantado!
Husband: tarantado ka rin!!!
Wife: [OoOoOps]!!!
Husband: [OoOoOps] ka rin!!!
Wife: SUPOT!!!!
Husband: ......un nga lng...



Dentist & Lover....
Dentist: we have 2 stop seeing each other... halata na tayo ng MR mo.
Lover: but we love each other!
Dentist: oo nga...but were running out of excuses....ISA NA LNG IPIN MO!



Anak: nay!!! my mens na ko!
Nay: ano kulay...aber?
Anak: dark brown nay!
Nay: lintik na bata to!!!! LBM yan!!! hala..maghugas ka na ng pwet!
ambisyosong BAKLA to!!!


Sexy: Doc!! mainit pwet ko!
Doc: lagyan natin ng thermometer
Sexy: hiya ako e.
Doc: cge, off ko ilaw...
(in-off ilaw)
Sexy: Doc!!! hindi po pwet yan ha!!!
Doc: cge lang!!! di rin ito thermometer!!!!


Erap: lintek na ibon 2!! iniputan ako!
Bodyguard: sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper...
Erap: wag na!! pano mo pa mapupunasan un e nakalipad na?! tanga!!! bobo!!!



news advisory:
AT LAST!!!... anewgeneration napkin has been made 2 "satisfy women"!!!
introducing....NEW WHISPER WITH TONGUE!!!!
.....keeps u wet..even when ur dry..



Arab interview at US immigration:
Q: ur name pls..
A: abdul aziz
Q: sex?
A: twice a wik..
Q: i mean male or female?
A: doesn't matter.... sometimes even with camel...



Patient: dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili
ko...
Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: d ko pa po alam kc next wik ko pa ata matatangap...


Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo e..
Wife: (taas ang kilay) e baket ikaw nakabrief?!!


Convict: father...4give me 4 i have sinned...
Pari: sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
Convict: father, pinatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa diyos.kau ba
naniniwala
sa kanya?
Pari: CNO UN?



GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. if u find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sayo...
BOY: e kung di kita makita?
GIRL: nasa likod lng ako ng piano...



GIRL: ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: aba syempre ah!!! likas papaya ata gamit ko jan!!!
GIRL: ginagamitan mo rin ba ng downy?
BOY: baket? bango ba?
GIRL: lambot e!!!


BINATA: mis, pede bang manligaw sayo?
DALAGA: at bakit?! may CRV ka ba? BMW? PAJERO? EXPEDITION?
BINATA: [OoOoOps]!!! bakit?! ano ba yang PEKPEK mo!!!? PARKING LOT?!!!!!





u wont beliv wat things
people do these days...
i was sitting nxt
2 dis girl in church
& in the middle of the mass
she light a cigaret!

na-shock ako!!!!...

i almost drop my redhorse!!!!
!lol

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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:45


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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:45


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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Sun 26 Jul - 6:47

titser: class kilala nyo ba si Jose Rizal?

titser: ikaw pedro kilala mo ba si Jose Rizal?

Pedro: Hindi po Ma'am.

titser : ikaw Juan kilala mo si Jose Rizal??

Juan : Di rin po ma'am.

Pedro : Ma'am wala po dito si Jose Rizal, baka sa ibang section yun...

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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Mon 10 Aug - 11:04

lol
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PostSubject: Re: tawa muna (lagay nyo mga jokes nyo)   Today at 17:26

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